dimarts, de febrer 14, 2006
Covering My Bases
I’ve been leaving clues behind, dropping hints; you know, leaving a trail. You see, I’m trying to solidify my status as a paranoid so I have left signs of what I have been up to in case the authorities ever need to find me (or my body). From what I know about crime busting, clues are the only hope cops have in solving any sort of caper.
As you may have imagined most of my knowledge about solving crime comes from something I watched or read at some point. If anyone else knows how to catch a criminal w/o using clues than please let me know. Super hero powers do not count.In hopes of ever having any hopes of being found I’ve intentionally left clues behind as to my activities and whereabouts. If you were to, say, murder me or, um, how can I put it, sequester me and use me to commit terrorist acts there’s a high likelihood that some gumshoe or other is going to put together the pieces.
Am I saying I’m now invulnerable to crime? No, I’m just saying that I’m doing my part in solving w/e crime I am a victim of. I don’t want to have any of that “the cop saved my life” bullshit hanging over my head forever. The last thing I
want is to be in some douche bag’s back pocket b/c he saved me from certain death. I pay the bills that keep him crime fighting, and he’s just doing his job. Since I am doing my part I know that I won’t owe anyone anything.“Oh thank heavens, you found me!” are not words I’ll be saying. It’ll be more like “What took you so long!”
To make interesting I have also left behind some dead ends. I know, you’re thinking that I’m just lowering the odds that I’ll be saved now, but a part of me wants to mess around a little with the detectives on the case.
Maybe I’ll leave behind some stranger’s phone number, address, and place of work written on a greasy scrap of paper laying around somewhere. Perhaps they’ll uncover a briefcase containing a pair of women’s shorts soaked in pigeon blood. Who knows?
I have no idea where those clues will lead the cops, but I have no doubt it will result in some interesting stories. The excitement of those stories will also help me bide time while waiting for the authorities to come save me.
Working against all this is that if I ever do commit a crime I’m going to will have left a lot of clues behind. I’ve realized this problem, but have also noticed that leaving behind intentional clues causes me to be more aware of my trail. I think when the time does come that I need, if ever, to commit a crime I’ll know where and how the cops will be looking for me.
How ever you look at it I come out on top.
Except that now anyone who is coming after me can just read this and know that they have to kill me quick to not get caught. Ay mama.
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