diumenge, de març 19, 2006
The Brow Burden
I’ve got some heavy brows to lift.This isn’t a new way of saying that a burden is weighing down my shoulder’s. I’m not trying to avoid the cliché of the primate attempting to gain squatters rights on my posterior.
I mean that if you were drawing a picture of my face my brows would eat away at w/e type of utensil you were trying to be funny with.
The eyebrows dictate the settings your facial mannerisms will work best in. If you like to make a little perch with the end of one of them people will perceive it as being something. Hang them as wet rug you need to dry before your eyes and everyone will
doubt that you’ll make it out of adolescence alive.I would be lying if I didn’t say that my brows force me to commit to an expression before I make it.
A girl once told me my face is a blank slate, expressionless, or something else. I remembered she was thirteen and I was asleep in the sun.
Show me a picture you took of me. I’ll imagine which and how many ornaments I can hang off the bold underscores that demarcate the place eyes end and forehead begins while you wax on how bad you came out.
dissabte, de març 18, 2006
Dr. Feelbad
In early 2004 Michael Lorenzo interviewed a man who claimed to not only be Tom Cruise’s doctor but also his assitant in elevating Tom Cruise’s status within the Church of Scientology. The following is his side of a conversation he had with Mr. Lorenzo over the aforementioned topic.
Yes, I guess you’re right. Explaining how I’m a doctor is as good a place to start as any.
My name is Walter Pruet and I am originaly from Kenosha, Wisconsin. I have been practicing internal medicine for 19 years now and out of the Los Angeles area since 1994. After a few years in practice there a friend reffered me to an insurance company which specialized in insuring motion pictures. They hired me pretty much to conduct physical exams for actors. This is how I met Mr. Cruise.
No, he didn’t insist that I call him that, but I’m figuring a preface will precede this that’ll explain who this is all about. Honestly, I wasn’t awestruck to be talking to him at the time b/c I had already met more than my share of celebrities. Plus, I don’t really get to meet them in the most glamorous of scenarios.
Both of my parents were Scientologist, therefore I am well versed in their beliefs even though I don’t practice it myself. Eventually w/e we were talking about led to an in-depth duscussion about the mind’s healing powers.We spoke about Tom’s experiences in healing himself for a while but only after revealing my military background did the conversation took an unexpected turn when Tom asked if I would be willing to be his personal physician.
Mr Cruise’s Scientologist convictions made his intentions quite different than the average person who suffers from heightend paranoia. You see, he wanted to hire me to get him sick when he wasn’t expecting it. This was just part of his plan to raise his mind to a level of focus no Thetan had ever reached, even LRH. Needles to say, he had me at hello.
After a rigorous screening process I would rather not elaborate on I was directed to deal directly with Tom’s security manager. He gave me access to all of Tom’s properties and his constantly updating schedule. I reviewed Tom’s medical history and made a timeline of how soon and often I should attempt to weaken his health. I have to admit finding ways to get him sick became an appealing challange.
What I was hired to do for Tom wasn’t original or unique; that should have been obvious given the subject matter. Other elite Scientologists had attempted to fine tune their mental prowess by having to constantly battle sickness. For Tom this made sense since he was already facing enough battles with all the tabloid press following him and questioning his sexuality and sanity. In short there is a lot of third-party perspective he neglects to let bother him.I was hired by other Scientologists on occasion. They’d come in say that they were ready and I wouldn’t tell them what I gave them. There could have been times I gave them nothing. I was well known among this niche market.
Gary Busey sometimes just uses me for kicks. It’s hard to imagine a hypochondriac worse than Busey. I am positive some of the credit goes to gaining all that weight to get on Celebrity Fit Camp, but he has personally thanked me for turning his career around.
Mr. Cruise was by far the most clever of all my clients. He would always be aware of germs and all those small details no one pays attention to that might keep them from getting sick.For instance while he was in Costa Rica vacationing he became so sure that there was something in his Gallo Pinto that he ate iguana eggs instead. The worst part was that he had to hunt down the iguana. If you have ever been to Costa Rica you know that locating an iguana, monkey, sloth or neon tarantula isn’t particularly difficult. Fortunatley for the iguana Tom sewed her back up and sent her on her way.
Unfortunately for me I had my wife’s cousin’s wedding that weekend. We’ll see where he goes this year. Maybe I’ll luck out and score some ebola before the summer.
divendres, de març 17, 2006
Thanks from the "Porn @ Work Guy"
Per chance you find yourself in my office and a loud moan or an emphatic grunt happens to startle you, assume it is originating from my areaI’ve come to the conclusion that I must avoid all links and attachments from my friends. It never occurred to me that upon opening their e-mails I would be presented with something inappropriate let alone that I would watch some of the most vulgar things I’ve ever seen.
Thanks, guys. I couldn’t have done it without you, so don’t think your efforts went by unnoticed.
Hopefully I’ll soon be able to pick out the people who walk by my desk b/c they have to and the weirdoes who pass by for the occasional screen shot of a boob, penis, vagina borne projectiles, dingleberries, the fattest black woman ever photographed in a thong, or even a loud screaming voice that incessantly repeats “Hey, I’m watching gay porn over here.”For those keeping count at home, I now have Myspace, my friends’ e-mails, phone calls, and any messenger thing crossed off my “do at work” list.
I’m glad I was able to hear about this situation, or watch it played out on television at least 65 times before experiencing it. I should have known better.
Today it was “A New Lizard” which was really a cross between a small dinosaur, a cock, and balls. I now wonder who is wasting more of their time, the creator of that image or me for writing this.
dijous, de març 16, 2006
Something About Politics:
There’s money to be made in Afghanistan and Iraq. Well, at least more than New Orleans.
(From Reuters)
The U.S. House of Representatives on Thursday easily approved $91.9 billion that President George W. Bush sought for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and for Gulf Coast hurricane relief, even as lawmakers voiced doubts about the efforts.The bill included $67 billion for military operations, bringing the wars' costs so far to nearly $400 billion; $19 billion for the Gulf Coast, bringing that to about $90 billion, and $4.1 billion in emergency foreign aid.
This isn’t the President’s or Congress’ fault. It’s yours. The choices they make for you are the ones you couldn’t make on your own. You’ve already affirmed that these people are capable of making this decision for you.
(From Reuters) "Human tragedy is not an unlimited check drawn upon the checkbook of the federal taxpayer," said Rep. Jeb Hensarling, a Texas Republican.
Let me clear something up for you. Economic tragedy does have privilege to that unlimited check. In other words humans mean less than money. Why do we kid ourselves otherwise?
Think about how often you have done what is best for everyone in your world. Now think about the trust you have for someone else to do what is best for you when you are part of the “everyone.”
After contemplating the doubt all that casts explain to yourself why you hold different consequences for people who affect the money you make than the people who make the rules your world plays with.
An employee, superior, decision maker, representative, executive who expresses poor judgment meets a swift end. A politician who makes choices that aren’t in his employers (constituents) best interest is never employed for less than he was originally promised. A promise made upon the conviction that he would make the best choices.
divendres, de març 03, 2006
Job Searchitis
to scour the job market fuels the ebb and flow that is today’s constantly transitioning workforce.The reality the individual worker inhabits is pockmarked by a complex maze of incentives and expectations. The West’s perception of a person’s status and worth are intertwined to said person’s occupation. Very few live in denial over that fact and this is why Emily Bronson is not afraid to admit her motivation behind the high standards she is has for her next job.
A comptroller at a medium sized payroll office, Emily weighs her option methodically in hopes of hooking a big one. “The only thing I want out of the next [job] is to make all these losers jealous,” elaborates Ms. Bronson. “I look around and, you know, wonder if they really think I am like them. I’m definitely holding out for something that will make them more jealous than when Rich Heberson, from over in Client Management, got that job handing out those big Publisher Clearinghouse checks.”
With most job searches there is a plethora of information to sift through and Emily is no different. What Emily doesn’t know is that her former coworker, Rich, had some help.
“My cousin, Linda, was going out with the dude who used to take the pictures and he let me know that they were hiring. He made sure to put in a good word for b/c he knows he’s got to look good in front of Linda,” confesses Heberson. “Either way tell her Emily she’s S.O.L. b/c sweet rides like mine don’t get put up on Monster.“
Hilda Difanagass, a professor at Ohio University - Chillicothe who specializes in researching occupational stress management hazard awareness, provided further insight as to why so many people share Emily Bronson’s source of motivation.
“We indoctrinate our children with this idea that they must leave a social setting on a high note from the instant the zygote of comprehension is concieved in their minds. We tell them ‘to come, see, and conquer.’ They are heavily bombarded with comedians who save their best joke for last, and traumatized with an incessant onslaught of dramatic climaxes that are preceded by long lengths of meaningless build up. By adolescence it is near impossible to not want to ‘go out on a high note’ or ‘ride into the sunset.’ This blanket of aspiration is inescapable.”
While not denying that her feelings are not unique Emily does not allow her motivational unoriginality to discourage her. “I made it past a phone screening a few weeks ago for the Mrs. Planters job, then I realized that, like, I needed something that would,you know, blow their feet off.”
Whereas the chance Emily Bronson ever finds a job that will satisfy her desire to be the envy of all is uncertain, your correspondent can vouch for their being no shortage of socks in this small town situated on the western outskirts of the middle of nowhere.
dijous, de març 02, 2006
My 5 Year Letter
In early 2006 Michael Lorenzo received a letter he had written to himself 5 years earlier as part of an english class project. Weeks later, much to his surprise, Michael received another correspondence that also was from 5 years away, except this time from 5 years in the future. Fortunately he has chosen to share this rare experience and has allowed MOOY to reprint the e-mail from the future.MOOY presents: The Future
The sky is falling, its the end of the world! Grow gills! No, I’m just kidding. Do you think you would be writing letter if the world were ending?
It’s a little weird calling you “you,” I have to admit. I suppose pronouns are pointless when you are talking to yourself.
Just by receiving this letter and what has been written so far you should be able to correctly predict the following things:
1. You still write in lists
2. You are actually less funny. Some how you found a way
3. You have a lot of free time
Actually you don’t have a ton of free time, but that’s mostly due to bills. I thought it would be nice to send you a five year letter since you got the one from high school a little while ago.
Let me clear some things up before you get the wrong idea by getting this e-mail. No, we do not have time machines and we don’t do things to change the past here in the future. The short of it is that someone figured out there isn’t really a time dimension to the internet and we could as easily send e-mails to the past as we already could to the future. The end of this was just a big commercial marketing industry that you call “spam mail.” That’s right spam is from the future.
So why haven’t I written before, well, like i said I’ve been busy and, to be honest, didn’t really have too much to say. I wouldn’t want to change something I did and then all of a sudden be stuck in some bad Nick Cage or Jim Belushi movie. Yeeesh, no way. Who’d they end up with any ways? Tea Leoni and Linda Hamilton? No, thanks. Therefore don’t expect me to spell out what you should do for the next five years. God knows I would need more than two chances to get it right.I do want to tell you that you’ve got no reason to start worrying, ever. You haven’t gone to jail, you didn’t lose you mind, and no one is trying to kill you. Actually it would be closer to the truth if I just said that at least no one is trying really hard to kill you. Sure you’ve encountered problems but nothing that would make you wish you were instead in Haiti. Yeah, that place is still pretty fucked up.
The main reason I sat down to send you this message was to be encouraging but I’ve probably gone on too many tangents for that to come across. Either way just play it cool and you’ll be fine. Nonetheless I do want to close with some tips that will save you some trouble.
- Don’t go to that Dianetics seminar. It’s not worth satisfying the curiosity- The girl at the bar in San Bernardino isn’t looking at you, she has a lazy eye and a husband
- Keep eating pistachio nuts, you’ll understand eventually
- No one will get that your Halloween costume is supposed to be Epstine from “Welcome Back Kotter.”
I’ll know if you got the letter so don’t bother responding, the thought alone will get the message across. Oh, before I go let me tell you that you are going to love what a dick Walt Disney is when they bring him back. Wow, what an asshole. Disney the Douche!