dijous, de juliol 13, 2006
How to #1 - Be A Newscaster
I’ve decided to start letting people know what’s up with the world they live in. Everyone wants to know “how to.” Being that I know it all it is my responsibility as a responsibility hoarding American to impart my knowledge. The things you once considered impossible to accomplish will be oversimplified to the point where they will hardly seem worthwhile.
For the first installment I want to let you all know how to become a news anchor. Out of all the low rungs on the ladder to becoming a celebrity, being on the news is one the most respectable. While in most cases familiarity breeds contempt most would agree that local news anchors have a place in everyone’s (within the broadcast area) heart.
When my life finally flashes before my eyes I know the memories
will be narrated, or at least segued in between, by some of the anchor people I have grown fond of. Growing up in Miami, FL I came to revere the great Rick Sanchez, at a very early age. The venerable Ann Bishop taught me that lesbians were people just like me. Heck, if it weren’t for her favorite co-anchor, Dwight Lauderdale, I doubt I would have ever believed the fountain of youth existed.
What I’m getting at is that these people were, and continue to be, an integral part of my life. Fortunately for you, obtaining this social status has never been easier. Just follow my “how to” below and you’ll be misinforming the public in no time.
How to become a newscaster:
1. Look good
- If you do not have enough money for plastic surgery you must be willing to go to hazardous locales to spew rhetoric.
- Combine a disregard for your own health with good looks for a ticket to the fast lane.
2. Don’t be allergic to makeup (or spackle)
3. Believe that every opinion is a fact
4. Don’t understand math or any type of science, or at least pretend not to.
5. Emphasize every pronoun when speaking to a non-newscaster on air.
- Example (yell the bold words): What YOU do not understand Mr. Senator is that HE lied to all of US.
6. When another news person brings up any nuance of her/his life, find it hilarious.
- It is always good to throw something in after your are done laughing like “Oh, you are just too much!” or something like that
7. Lose whatever accent you have. No one should be able to identify where you were raised.
8. Get a hairstyle that is 10 yrs older than you are.
There you have it. You should be well on your way by now, all thanks to me. No doubt I missed a couple things, but my instructions should take you far enough where you can just copy the rest from someone around you.
Publica un comentari a l'entrada
For the first installment I want to let you all know how to become a news anchor. Out of all the low rungs on the ladder to becoming a celebrity, being on the news is one the most respectable. While in most cases familiarity breeds contempt most would agree that local news anchors have a place in everyone’s (within the broadcast area) heart.
When my life finally flashes before my eyes I know the memories
will be narrated, or at least segued in between, by some of the anchor people I have grown fond of. Growing up in Miami, FL I came to revere the great Rick Sanchez, at a very early age. The venerable Ann Bishop taught me that lesbians were people just like me. Heck, if it weren’t for her favorite co-anchor, Dwight Lauderdale, I doubt I would have ever believed the fountain of youth existed.
What I’m getting at is that these people were, and continue to be, an integral part of my life. Fortunately for you, obtaining this social status has never been easier. Just follow my “how to” below and you’ll be misinforming the public in no time.How to become a newscaster:
1. Look good
- If you do not have enough money for plastic surgery you must be willing to go to hazardous locales to spew rhetoric.
- Combine a disregard for your own health with good looks for a ticket to the fast lane.
2. Don’t be allergic to makeup (or spackle)
3. Believe that every opinion is a fact
4. Don’t understand math or any type of science, or at least pretend not to.
5. Emphasize every pronoun when speaking to a non-newscaster on air.
- Example (yell the bold words): What YOU do not understand Mr. Senator is that HE lied to all of US.
6. When another news person brings up any nuance of her/his life, find it hilarious.
- It is always good to throw something in after your are done laughing like “Oh, you are just too much!” or something like that
7. Lose whatever accent you have. No one should be able to identify where you were raised.
8. Get a hairstyle that is 10 yrs older than you are.
There you have it. You should be well on your way by now, all thanks to me. No doubt I missed a couple things, but my instructions should take you far enough where you can just copy the rest from someone around you.
Publica un comentari a l'entrada