M O O Y

I used to come up with ads. Not for fun, but as a job. Or at least it was part of my job. There was always part of me that wanted to continue down that career path. Yet now after seeing the Head On campaign I doubt I will ever be able to match its quality, let alone ever surpass it. As someone once said If you cant be the best, then give it a rest (Im not sure if I made that up or if JJ Walker said it)



After seeing this revolutionary ad I know that the marketing industry will never be the same. Apparently it has now become acceptable to leave people wondering what the hell is going on once the ad is over.

This ad has left me with following questions
What does Head On do?
How does it work?
Will it make my brow shiny?
Can I spread it on an English muffin?

I would really appreciate it if people could use the comment section of this post to leave your ideas of what the answers are to the above questions.

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One other thing before I go. If people find it so easy to blame video games for any spike in violence how come no one ever blames increases in reckless driving on racing video games?

"Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music..." - Kristian Wilson, CEO, Nintendo

Since my good friend Captain Canler doesn’t do this anymore I’m going to go through today’s headlines to let you know what’s up with your world and possibly other people’s worlds also.

Marines land in Lebanon to aid evacuees
Whoa! There are Marines left? Why is everyone clamoring to bring the soldiers home from Iraq and Afghanistan if there are enough left to escort you out of Lebanon if need be? I do not see the point of having soldiers if they are just going to sit around at home. The last thing we would want is a war on U.S. soil or concrete. Soldiers are uncomfortable away from the battlefield anyways. Didn’t anyone see Major Payne?

One more thing on that – Does anyone else see this evacuation as a sign that Israel called up the U.S. and said “Hey, we are going to bomb the shit out of Lebanon so why don’t you get all your people out of there by the weekend.”

Heat blamed for at least 16 deaths in seven states
As much as I wouldn’t want to die, I can’t think of a better way of dying than by heat exhaustion. This is has to be more pain-free than even drowning. Out of all the times I’ve been near a heat stroke I can honestly claim that pain was the last thing on my mind. I just felt sweaty and thirsty. It definitely beats dying in your sleep because the last thing you want is to be asleep during one of the biggest moments of your life. No one wants to sleep through the grand finale, right?

First Bush Veto Maintains Limits on Stem Cell Use
I think this quote best sums up what I believe is the main conflict of this issue:
“Mr. Bush said the bill violated his principles on the sanctity of human life by encouraging the destruction of embryos left over from fertilization procedures. Proponents of the measure have argued that such embryos would be destroyed anyway.”
The argument that “it is going to be thrown away anyways so why not use it” reminds me of a documentary called “The Yes Men.” There is a part where a speech given in front of a college class where one of the Yes Men explains how McDonalds will end world hunger by converting American’s poo into food for impoverished countries (You can read their telling of the story here). Sure there are still useful parts in your shit but do you think it should be fed to someone else instead of thrown away?

'None of the Above' sues to have name on November ballot
Someone once said “polotics is 80% ingenuity.” Actually I don’t know if anyone ever said that, but you have to give it up for the guy who figured out how to use voter apathy to put him in office.

Underwater Bubble Rings
Not really news just kind of cool.

New Car - The Tesla Roadster
If you have 7,000 batteries lying around you could be driving this. I think it was easier to buy the jet with Pepsi points than it is to which battery is causing engine failure.

That's it for now. I'll try to be a bit more creative for next time.

If you like this kind of stuff you should probably check out Dave Barry's blog. It's phenomenally better

I just had an epiphany. My entire life I’ve had nothing but disdain for the Hispanic accent. I cringed with every “E” that feloniously preceded every “S.” When “T” and “D” melted together phonetically I felt it blemish the dignity of the Hispanic culture in this country. As the sound of “I” jumped up an octave I took note and vowed to never let that happen to me.

Obviously I had a different background, being born in America after all. But Miami isn’t made up of a typical American culture and the danger of letting my tongue slip into the accent abyss was always imminent. I studied my speech and paid attention to differences between the way people around me spoke and the way the heads on the TV pronounced their words. I put a lot of effort in losing the accent. I didn’t want anyone to hear me speak and say “oh, that guy must have grown up in ‘el barrio.’”

I let the stereotype Americans had of us chip away at the respect I had for my own culture. Sadly I can confess that I believed that people who spoke with that accent (and were born in this country) came off as dumb.

Fortunately, as I mentioned before, I had an epiphany.

Americans can not pronounce my dad’s name the way his parents intended it to be pronounced. My mother gained a middle name because two Spanish language first names was too much for New Jersey to handle. Rodriguez became Rahdreeges. Perez turned into Peres. Jose transformed into Joe. The second “L” somehow became irrelevant as soon as it crossed the border. Now my eyes are open and I have nothing but respect for the Hispanic accent.

Americans can’t pronounce your words correctly so why should you ever be expected to pronounce their correctly? The answer can not be because they were here when we got here, because then the argument turns towards Americans being unable to pronounce the Native’s words correctly either.

I feel like a fool for falling in to that trap that someone who can not pronounce words correctly because of their accents is any dumber than someone who can.

If they have to call you Alex because they can’t say Alejandro then don’t estop talking dee way ju know how to.

As a friend it is your duty to let those you care about know that their significant other is most likely going to cheat on them. Letting you know that you are being cheated on is what friends are for. As appalling as that might sound to you just take a moment to listen in on these two friends’ conversation and then think about whether or not it sounds familiar to you.

friend 1: so next week we should get together and catch up.

friend 2: oh so you’re are finally going to have some free time from that full time job you call a relationship?

friend 1: I don’t know what you are talking about I’ve just been really busy

friend 2: yeah, getting busy

friend 1: wow, don’t be so jealous

friend 2: yeah, because I don’t get mine. So your boyfriend is leaving town i take it.

friend 1: yeah, he’s like going on vacation with his family and a couple friends

friend 2: couple friends? what the fuck, how come you aren’t going?

friend 1: because it is pretty expensive and his parents would only pay for him

friend 2: how long is he gone for?

friend 1: ten days

friend 2: and you trust that he wont do anything?

friend 1: what do you mean?

friend 2: you know, like he might meet someone there who gets him going, and he might do something he doesn’t want to tell you about

friend 1: thanks, now i feel much better about the whole thing

friend 2: well, you know its what happened to Lindsey

friend 1: do you think he would do that

friend 2: you did say he was going with a couple friends right? and he is planning on taking his penis with him right?

friend 1: buh-but he wouldn’t be so stupid. he wouldn’t do that to me

friend 2: how would you know?

And just like that the pieces start falling apart. Trust begins to crumble b/c one person you trust brings up the chance that you might be wrong about someone else you trust.

You may be saying to yourself “friend number two is such an asshole” or “why don’t these people have name” or “where does she getting off saying that.”

Fortunately I can not only ask questions for you i can also answer them.

First of all, they do not need names b/c they do not exist. You are right in calling the accuser an asshole, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t right. We all have thought about it. Well, all of us who have been in a relationship. I understand there are losers who are eternally single, but do not worry there are plenty of blogs for them (to write). Lastly, in today’s day in age you should learn not to assume those two were women. in other words it doesn’t take ovaries to have that conversation.

But this is your duty as a friend. You need to bring up the tough topics. It is imperative that you provide those you care about with some perspective. This is why your friend’s significant others are never good enough. They just want what is best for you. And you should probably heed their advice as cheating has become more prevalent than ever, even affecting the beautiful people. An article from the Shaadi times explains the upswing well.

Some even believe it is in our nature to succumb to infidelity.

Evern postulating that it may be better for the human species as a whole

Your love needs to be tested though, so relish the moment. If you make it through unscathed you might have something special.

Don’t be fooled though you might just be going out with someone who is unable to attract the opposite sex but would love the chance to.
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Some random stuff to end on:

I do not know about you but I can’t get “21st century” by the Chili Peppers out of my head

I wish more people would write more blogs. I definitely like reading them more than writing.

When did trying become uncool? Who chose that it was weird to care?

People think President Bush is ruthless for his administration’s handling of guantanmo and abu gharib. Yet these same people have no problem praising Che Guevara even though he executed 156 Cubans who were already imprisoned. If someone killed 156 Americans they were holding as prisoners by shooting them in the back of the head as they proclaimed their freedom would you wear their image around town. I’m sure there is someone waiting for that chance so just let them know. Maybe I’m just forgetting that 156 Cubans doesn’t equal 156 Americans in most people’s eyes. I see his face on your shirt and think about how he would have wanted me dead if we lived in the same era and area.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

In case anyone was wondering “grundel.com” is not being used. It only has the word “grundel.com” linked to the webmaster’s e-mail address.

If you are wondering what a grundel is choose a door:

door 1

door 2

door 3

Yes, that was a gratuitous ass shot.

Hey ohh!

You better get that littering out of the way. Remember the toxic waste you’ve been meaning to throw out now for a few months? Well, get cracking. Time is wasting. Before you know it you won’t be able to.

All of a sudden everyone cares about the environment. No longer are we discussing how the environment is deteriorating. Now everyone is trying to figure out what they can do.

I’m sure Captain Planet will get some sort of credit for all this.

Perhaps we should be asking what we need to save the earth from? The answer everyone gives is "ourselves," referring to the human race but actually meaning "rich white people." Think about it, if you needed to be saved from me wouldn't I be the last person you ask?

Has the earth ever thought it might be part of the problem? Plus, what is it going to do if we don't save it. I think we should be showing the earth who is boss instead of appeasing its moody ways. Once you give in a little you have already lost. Look what happened with Hitler and Austria.

Either way what I am getting at is that it will soon become increasingly difficult to harm the environment. That littering fine will soon have some jail time attached to it. As people pump up their clamoring ways they will relish the opportunity to have tougher laws that will ensure people will have the environments best interest in mind.

Sure, presently there are various laws that already do this, but the difference is that many are not enforced. In addition it is only the big “crimes” that end up receiving a strong verdict. Once politicians take note that making the environment a top priority will no longer prevent you from being elected the tougher laws will shortly follow.

How can I be so certain of the future? Because dumb laws are made up all the time when the public yells loud enough. It is the same thing that happened with tobacco, drugs, immigration, welfare, child labor, women’s rights, etc.

Someone is going to save the environment somehow, and they most likely will lock up anyone in their way. The last thing you would is to be in jail cell 4 years from now wondering why you didn't contaminate the Everglades when you first thought about doing it, 5 years ago.

So go on. Throw trash out the car window. Don’t prevent forest fires. Begin using hairspray again. Make cows extra gassy. The last thing you want is regret. Stick it to the environment before you miss your chance.

A death in a traffic accident will cost over 2 million dollars when all is said and done. The cost of speeding is calculated, by the federal governement, to cost 28 billion dollars per year in tax payer dollars.

Think about that

Do you think every person that dies from aids will has 2 million dollars from the government waiting for them?

In case you are wondering, the correct answer is no.

So then why wonder about why the gov’t spends more money of highway safety than on aids treatment/education?

More kids die (“per year) drowning in pools than by swallowing small parts of toys, murder, or any illness. I am confident most people have seen the disclaimers saying “small pieces could be swallowed” on the packages of toys, but who has seen the warning “Children may drown” sign next to the pools they dive into?

Are you signing up for the CPR class? Are you going to drive better?

Perhaps we are more aware of the dangers we can blame someone for (and we pay someone to clean up) than we are of the dangers we have no one to blame for.

Sure it makes you think, but what are you doing to make a difference?

Life is sticky like that.

I’ve decided to start letting people know what’s up with the world they live in. Everyone wants to know “how to.” Being that I know it all it is my responsibility as a responsibility hoarding American to impart my knowledge. The things you once considered impossible to accomplish will be oversimplified to the point where they will hardly seem worthwhile.

For the first installment I want to let you all know how to become a news anchor. Out of all the low rungs on the ladder to becoming a celebrity, being on the news is one the most respectable. While in most cases familiarity breeds contempt most would agree that local news anchors have a place in everyone’s (within the broadcast area) heart.

When my life finally flashes before my eyes I know the memories will be narrated, or at least segued in between, by some of the anchor people I have grown fond of. Growing up in Miami, FL I came to revere the great Rick Sanchez, at a very early age. The venerable Ann Bishop taught me that lesbians were people just like me. Heck, if it weren’t for her favorite co-anchor, Dwight Lauderdale, I doubt I would have ever believed the fountain of youth existed.

What I’m getting at is that these people were, and continue to be, an integral part of my life. Fortunately for you, obtaining this social status has never been easier. Just follow my “how to” below and you’ll be misinforming the public in no time.

How to become a newscaster:
1. Look good
- If you do not have enough money for plastic surgery you must be willing to go to hazardous locales to spew rhetoric.
- Combine a disregard for your own health with good looks for a ticket to the fast lane.
2. Don’t be allergic to makeup (or spackle)
3. Believe that every opinion is a fact
4. Don’t understand math or any type of science, or at least pretend not to.
5. Emphasize every pronoun when speaking to a non-newscaster on air.
- Example (yell the bold words): What YOU do not understand Mr. Senator is that HE lied to all of US.
6. When another news person brings up any nuance of her/his life, find it hilarious.
- It is always good to throw something in after your are done laughing like “Oh, you are just too much!” or something like that
7. Lose whatever accent you have. No one should be able to identify where you were raised.
8. Get a hairstyle that is 10 yrs older than you are.

There you have it. You should be well on your way by now, all thanks to me. No doubt I missed a couple things, but my instructions should take you far enough where you can just copy the rest from someone around you.

I’ll admit it. I farted.

No doubt a million and one judgments can be constructed from that above information. I’m not going to try to defend myself against either one of them. Would you blame me for not wanting to defend farting?

Before this delves deeper into the juvenile I want to reveal that there is a story behind these opening thoughts. Passing gas is not a regular passenger on my train of thought (not even in the caboose, for those seeking a pun). Unfortunately, the story that leads me to all of this has the possibility to dive way deeper into childish behavior.

Not that I am especially proud of it, but I let one pass while I was at the gym. It wasn’t a grunt gas, or a pressure pinch (Melissa please trademark these two phrases for me). I wasn’t mid rep. I was actually watching the television in between sets when whatever part of my body that governs my pipes decided to blow off some steam. As my anus alarm went off, signaling the imminent pressure leak, I realized it was almost half past ten, I was at the gym, and the only person in a 30-foot proximity of me was some dude a good ways away. Now rather than allowing you to believe that I have pioneered some sort of fart faux pas-o-meter let me admit that the 10 yard rule has been in use by men across the globe for centuries.

OK so why is that guy now looking at me. You heard a small fart while at the gym. So what? Who cares? Do you want to make fun of it and giggle together?

Upon the release the guy 20 feet away looks at me like if I’m trying to start a fight. I know I did not grow up around this area I live in now, but I can not imagine there is any part of this country that fashions its belligerence signals after the bombardier beetle.

I turned away in hopes of not laughing at the absurdity of the situation, and resumed whatever I was doing. In the following minutes I noticed the lone man in audible range of my fart had now found someone to relay his eyewitness account to. Sure, I had headphones on and was listening to loud music, but that does not prohibit me in any way from imagining what the people around me are talking about.

In all honesty I had no idea what they were talking about, and didn’t care to know until what happened next. On my way back from getting water I had to cross next to the guy who heard my fart. I saw him smiling at his friend as I approached. One split second whiff was enough to shut down my olfactory, and tell me that I was walking through a fart cloud. For some reason unknown to yours truly, the guy who heard me fart felt compelled to fart in my area.

Perhaps I encroached on his manhood by passing audible gas in his vicinity. That is the only explanation I can come up with- that he was convicted to take it up a step. My headphones would never have allowed me to hear his weak Anglo-farts so he, using his cunning and wily wit, waited until I walked by to fart. Apparently giving one’s ass scent away is a form of retaliation for having to hear another person’s fart.

The guy immediately walked away giggling. His friend was asking what was going on. I never smelled enough to know if his was a worthy effort. That pungent odor is no stranger to me and I always do my best to stop breathing as soon as a fart is detected in my vicinity.

I thought I was a weirdo for letting one slip in public. Obviously my only mistake was to not give someone else the chance to appreciate the aroma. It makes me think about what he was saying as I walked by.
“Wait until he gets a load of this”
“This douche bag is going to throw up”
“I’ve been waiting so long to force someone to smell my farts”
“Thank god I didn’t get that enema yesterday!”

Certainly the options are endless. The absurdity of it all lends itself to infinite possibilities.

Based on this experience I believe its best that any man who is old enough to have a receding hairline should want another grown man to smell his farts.

Yeah, that's right, I came back after all this time to talk about farts